M 60 mins inc 20 mins Threshold @ 5:19mm (5:48mm), Easy/Moderate 30 mins (6:21mm) +6x10s hills
T Moderate 55 mins (6:03mm)
W 80 mins inc. 8x1k(200m), (1200m), 4X200(200), Easy 30 mins (6:47mm)
T Easy/Moderate 50 mins (6:10mm), Moderate 30 mins (6:00mm)
F 60 mins inc 20x30s Strides (6:07mm)
S 110 mins, inc 70 mins Moderate (6:05mm), 30 mins Threshold (5:22mm)
S Easy 70 mins (6:47mm)
Total - 96 miles (6:09mm)
Total Training time - 9 hours, 50 minutes
Aerobic Efficiency - 930 beats per mile
Weight - 143.13 lbs
Days sober - 126
Days since last Anti-Depressant medication - 8
Training is going well. In fact, really well. Quite possibly better than ever, judging by my sessions. This week was a cut back week, before two big weeks ahead of tapering for a marathon or ultra, I'm entered for that COVID-19 permitting I may or may not get to do! This week was also the first week that I have been completely off my medication. With the advice and support of my Doctor, I tapered down over a couple of weeks and took my last Sertraline tablet the day before my 40th birthday. I have suffered with quite a bit of withdrawal however, which has been tough but bearable. I suffer with insomnia at the best of times, but coming off the pills has certainly had an impact. Waking up in a cold sweat at 2:00am unable to go back to sleep crippled with stomach cramps normally reserved for a smackhead going cold turkey has been a regular occurrence. I have also had the brain zaps so often attributed to SSRI withdrawal. Lightening strikes in the brain that lead to a prolonged feelings of vertigo and nausea. I have had these frequently throughout the day and during training this past week which is a bit grim but running has still been going well despite these rather shitty side effects. I will get through it, I just have to ride it out.
Training is going well. In fact, really well. Quite possibly better than ever, judging by my sessions. This week was a cut back week, before two big weeks ahead of tapering for a marathon or ultra, I'm entered for that COVID-19 permitting I may or may not get to do! This week was also the first week that I have been completely off my medication. With the advice and support of my Doctor, I tapered down over a couple of weeks and took my last Sertraline tablet the day before my 40th birthday. I have suffered with quite a bit of withdrawal however, which has been tough but bearable. I suffer with insomnia at the best of times, but coming off the pills has certainly had an impact. Waking up in a cold sweat at 2:00am unable to go back to sleep crippled with stomach cramps normally reserved for a smackhead going cold turkey has been a regular occurrence. I have also had the brain zaps so often attributed to SSRI withdrawal. Lightening strikes in the brain that lead to a prolonged feelings of vertigo and nausea. I have had these frequently throughout the day and during training this past week which is a bit grim but running has still been going well despite these rather shitty side effects. I will get through it, I just have to ride it out.
As they say, Life begins at 40 and I mentioned in my last blog that I was ready to start living again. Life is for living. It sounds simple, but how can a concept so easily get lost? For over four and a half years I was living a 'half life'. There was of course joy in that time, pride in seeing my daughters growing up into wonderful, intelligent, independent and empathetic little humans. There was also sadness and grief. I have felt bad at how messed up the world seems to be at times, my Dad's declining health has been an ever present and all of this brings feelings that question the point of life. But that's what life is. It is beautiful, it is happy, it is painfully sad. It is magnificent, yet horrifically malevolent. Life is everything, it's all we really have.
The dwelling in one's own pit has been an all too frequent habitat. But the drugs helped moderate all that. I was neither experiencing the depths of the lows I should feel nor the highs to the extent that I know I could. Everything was moderated by the drugs. I don't want to suffer with depression, I don't want anyone to. It's a nasty ailment to have and I believe everyone sits on the spectrum somewhere and is susceptible to different degrees. Life is for living though, if we don't embrace it, what's the point? As brutal a statement it is Life is a fatal disease, we are only here for a short and unknown finite amount of time. Life needs meaning, without it we are nothing. We may as well not be here. We need to have a purpose, we owe it to ourselves, our family, friends and communities to get after it. If we don't, nobody else will do it for us and all that will remain will be guilt, emptiness, and regret that we didn't pursue our dreams each and every day.
Being a good man, father, husband, friend, runner and professionally successful are all things that matter to me. Perhaps the only things. They're things that are probably not dissimilar to the things most people reading this blog think of as important in their own lives. They're the things that give me (us) meaning, give us purpose. They are also the things I can directly influence. I can control to a large degree. That to me says we all have the ability within ourselves, to chase our dreams, hell to excel our wildest dreams if we just start living and focusing on those things day after day. Doing the small bits that matter that add up and compound over time, to make our lives better individually and for those around us. It's a corny saying, but life is a journey. How eventful will yours be? How will I know I have been successful at chasing and finding my meaning? I probably never will, but I suspect that general contentment while experiencing the beauty and anger of life in all its glory will be a pretty good indicator.
Being a good man, father, husband, friend, runner and professionally successful are all things that matter to me. Perhaps the only things. They're things that are probably not dissimilar to the things most people reading this blog think of as important in their own lives. They're the things that give me (us) meaning, give us purpose. They are also the things I can directly influence. I can control to a large degree. That to me says we all have the ability within ourselves, to chase our dreams, hell to excel our wildest dreams if we just start living and focusing on those things day after day. Doing the small bits that matter that add up and compound over time, to make our lives better individually and for those around us. It's a corny saying, but life is a journey. How eventful will yours be? How will I know I have been successful at chasing and finding my meaning? I probably never will, but I suspect that general contentment while experiencing the beauty and anger of life in all its glory will be a pretty good indicator.
Get after your dreams, life is for living.
Great post. Been following you for a while on Strava and I'm blown away by your performance. Now, knowing that you've struggled with mental health, it's even more impressive. Good luck with the upcoming race - I'll definitely check out the activity!
ReplyDeleteOne small point - I wouldn't have gone with "smack head". Nobody chooses to be addicted to heroin and they've got their own mental struggles to deal with. Never liked that as a term - it's a bit provocative/regressive.
Thanks Andy.
DeleteI chose the term for creative imagery, not to sleight those that suffer from drug problems or the likely mental health issues that they are undergoing. For that I have massive sympathy for whatever their deep troubles are. You know the scene in Trainspotting? That’s how I’ve felt at times but thankfully without the hallucinations. That’s the feeling I was trying to get across. Apologies if it offended you or anyone else in anyway, that certainly wasn’t my intention.
No offence taken at all! It's obvious from how you write that you're a compassionate guy. Hope this minor criticism didn't detract from the main point :)
DeleteWell written, nice.
ReplyDeleteLife is for living!
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ReplyDelete