Sunday 26 April 2020

Reigniting the Fire - Week 2

M 70 mins (8:26mm), 40 mins TM Hike @ 15%
T 70 mins inc 50 mins Sub-Threshold (7:14mm), 40 mins TM Hike @ 15%
W 70 mins (8:21mm)
T 70 mins (8:14mm), 40 mins TM Hike
F 80 mins inc 60 mins Sub-Threshold (6:59mm), 40 mins TM (8:37mm)
S Rest
S Long Run - 60 mins Easy, 45 mins Sub-Threshold (7:04mm), 5 mins Easy (7:38mm)

Total  - 64.6miles (7:52mm)
Aerobic Efficiency - 1226 beats per mile.
Weight - 167.1lbs

Dear Dad,

It's London Marathon Day today. Except it isn't. The virus has put the world on hold for a while. That's why I haven't been to see you for over two months. I miss you. I miss telling you what I've been up to. I miss taking you for a coffee and a cake at Booths and telling you all about your beautiful granddaughters and how they are growing into amazing young ladies. I will come and see you again. I promise, as soon as I am allowed, I will be there. I want to see that glint in your eye when you find something amusing, or you are inspired by something I have said.

Why did it have to be you? Why did life have to deal you that shitty hand, firstly with the Parkinson's and then with the dementia? You are a great man, the person I want to be. The person I will always aspire to be. The person I will always fall short of being. You are a man with the kindest of hearts, the gentlest of manners and the passion of a lion.

It's five years ago today since you last saw me race a marathon. It was at London in 2015 and I had a stormer. 2:22:12. It was a PB at the time and I gave it everything. I gave it everything, not just for me but for you Dad. All I wanted to do that day was make you proud. I know I did. It inspires me to think I could inspire my hero.  The tears in your eyes as we met up after the race, having witnessed your son running the race of his life. Deep down, I think I knew you wouldn't be able to watch me at a marathon again and so I had to make it a good one!

I am just getting back into running again having really let myself go. I wish I could tell you about it. I know your words of reassurance would be there. You would tell me that I just have to keep going, keep putting in the work and I will get there. 'All you can do is your best, Jay'. I hear your voice every morning when I put my kit on. It's what gets me out of the door. It's what makes me run with a smile on my face as I work my way back from this state of 'fitness'. I will get back to where I was and I hope with all my heart that I can tell you every gory detail of how I came back from nowhere to realize my dreams.

With love always,

Jay

Sunday 19 April 2020

Reigniting the Fire - Week 1

M 60 mins (9:22mm), 40 mins TM Hike @15%
T 65 mins (8:45mm), 40 mins TM Hike @15%
W 70 mins (8:41mm), 40 mins TM Hike @15%
T 80 mins (8:38mm), 40 mins TM HIke @15%
F 70 mins (8:23mm)
S 70 mins (8:23mm)
S 90 mins (8:08mm)

Total 59 miles (8:34mm avg)
Aerobic (in)efficiency 1353 beats per mile
Weight 165.9lbs

Last week I talked about acceptance of the situation I was in and only I could make the decision to get back on track. It wont come from anywhere or anyone else. The drive to get fit and healthy and hopefully competitive again will come from the fire in my belly. The fire had pretty much gone out if truth be told. It was like a smouldering bonfire on November 6th. I had to add some more firewood. I took the first step to doing that this week. I am motivated, if unfit. Incredibly unfit. I cant remember being so unfit!

I think part of the reason why I have been in such a rut for the past twelve months is that I couldn't see the point in it all. I had beaten myself up when my running wasn't going how I wanted it to be going. Quite frankly, I chucked my teddies out of the pram. The more folks would tell me to keep at it, the less I would want to do it. The more people said that I was a good runner, the more of a fraud I felt. I know I am at a decent level, when fit but I am by no means exceptional. Having thought about things a bit more objectively and reflected on how I like to train, I realise that I was being way too hard on myself. If I saw someone else doing what I have historically put my body through from a training perspective, not only would I be really impressed but I would be inspired in equal measure. I trained bloody hard, I also loved it, I was in love with running, the whole process. And yet it had become such a chore. I was mentally in a bad place, small issues seemed insurmountable, molehills became mountains, slight set-backs seemed like disasters.

I think I had got into a position where no matter how much I did I didn't value how much effort I was putting in. Looking back now, I can be proud of how hard I trained. Perhaps I trained too hard. In fact, I almost certainly did which is why some results were below what should have been expected. I will not train as hard in the future and I will always focus on what I have achieved rather than what I have not. I will, where it is warranted praise myself for doing less. Sometimes less is more. This time I will be smarter.

Good first week, slow but consistent. And the best bit? I've loved every step.






Monday 13 April 2020

Enough is Enough. The comeback starts here.

I need to sort my life out. For the past few months I haven't been looking after myself at all. Seldom exercising, terribly poor diet, occasionally smoking, drinking way too much and generally being the pre-2007 me. Thankfully I haven't quite got to the size I was then, but I was a very chunky 12 stone this morning (my race weight is under 10 stone). My clothes don't fit anymore. I had to buy a new suit a couple of months ago as I could no longer close the fastener. My t-shirts now embarrassingly rise up around my midriff as I have expanded so quickly.

I now get out of breath climbing the stairs. I look at old photos of me running, running fast, feeling fit, feeling like I was unstoppable. I want those days to return. But they wont if I don't turn my life around and sort my shit out. This spiral has the potential to ruin my life, because I understand myself. I am an obsessive, I am an addict. These traits help as well as hinder me in life. These are the traits that give me the motivation and drive to succeed. These are the traits that also pull me down to the depths of despair and depression. I want to be a success again. Yes I know I will never be the best athlete in the world. But I can be a good runner, I can inspire people, I can help people. I can be a healthier, happier me. Again.

It all starts with the acceptance that 'enough is enough'. Nobody can do this for me. I have to do it for myself. Just like I have done before. I cant set any race or time goals just yet, not least because we obviously have no idea when racing will be back on the scene! I am however on the waiting list for Valencia Marathon on 6th December. 231 days away. Lets see how far I can get!